I've become an incredibly light sleeper. I'm constantly listening for the slightest sounds that indicate my children are in need of me at night. I think it just comes with mommyhood., the awareness of your children and response to them whether it is to comfort or correct. I am constantly aware. With an infant, I have the joy of nighttime feedings. My awareness not only wakes me up but has me out of bed with my feet on the floor and halfway across the house in the dark before I'm even fully conscious. I enter my little man's room and know exactly where he will have ooched himself in his crib without even turning on a light; he is always snuggled up next to the rails. I pick him up, and find my seat; he stops fussing, eats, and falls right back to sleep. I put him back in the same spot, middle of his crib more toward the top than the bottom and know that when I come back again, he will be nestled by his rails again. I cross the house, get back in bed, and fall asleep with mommy sense turned on. This is our routine, night after night.
One night I drowsily walked across the house to little man's room, moving in our usual routine. I find him in his usual spot, hush his cries by placing my hand on his belly, and reach my hands around him to pick him up like always. I know exactly how this goes and will always go. But this time as I pick him up, I feel his hand reach for my arm as I'm lifting him out of his crib, and in that instant as his hand reached for me, I truly felt his weight. Not the big baby boy weight of a fifteen pound four month old that makes my arms and back ache, but the weight of his existence in this world that bore down on my heart. I felt the weight of his significance, his purpose, his impact. I felt the strength of his heart and courage. I felt in that moment what God already knew about my sweet baby boy, that he would change lives with his quiet strength, be an anchor to those who know him, unwavering in his Kingdom purpose. In that moment, I was in awe, in awe of a baby that is still wholly dependent on me for his care although I felt the presence of him as if he were a fully grown man. I could sense what it would feel like for my little man to no longer look up to me but to look down on me, to kiss the top of my head, to wrap his arms fully around me in a hug. My little man was no longer a little man in my mind. The weight of his purpose overwhelmed me, and while he is still a little baby boy in my arms, his identity in my heart had changed forever.
In the dark of his room, I could sense what a great charge I have been given in my children. I still often get caught up in our daily routine. In some ways, mindless routine is necessary to make it through a day with two small children, but I try to remember, remember their weight in this world and weigh down my routine moments with them in prayer. Prayer for their purpose and their hearts.
I had a similar moment with our sweet girl, a time when I fully understood why God gave her such passion and strength of mind. And while they are physically children before my eyes, fussing while teething, needing help to even sit up, throwing tantrums, saying no more than yes and causing me frustration, in my heart I see her as a fierce warrior with passion to help the hurting and him as a quiet strength that will be known to the weak.
Over time I began to realize that this is just how God sees us. He does not identify us by or brokenness but by our wholeness in his Son. (Colossians 1:19-20) Through Christ we have not only been saved by his death but given a new life in His resurrection and a new identity in His grace. (Romans 4:6) Our names have been changed. He gave us beauty for ashes. (Isaiah 61:3) We do not have to change our own identities, strive to make ourselves enough, struggle to create our own weight in this world. What is left for us to do, is to see ourselves as God always has: whole, enough, pure, blameless, strong, enduring, talented, beautiful, wanted, useful, and then live as if we are just that- not of our own strength, but in constant dependence on our Father, knowing that he has given us an identity with a significant purpose that will greatly impact our world for His kingdom. (Ephesians 3:20-21)
For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
- Colossians 1:19-20
We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.- Romans 6:4
And provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.- Isaiah 61:3
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. - Ephesians 3:20-21
No comments:
Post a Comment