My Heart for My Son

Over the past couple of months we have been walking through a medical process with our sweet baby boy. Here's a brief run down of that: The opthalmologist diagnosed esoptropia (left eye crossing)- treated with temporary eye patching, and nysagmus (involuntary "eye-jiggle")- no treatment and usually congenital. Then he ordered an MRI, a less than thrilling experience with general anethesia for a 5 month old. MRI results showed "something", so off to the neurologist we go. 

We followed up with our opthalmologist who said that all appeared to be improving. Our little man's eye alignment and even the nystagmus had become better. (A praise, indeed, for God's healing.) A few days later, we went to a neurologist who said the non-specific signal on the MRI did not appear to be related to his mild developmental delay or the nystagmus. (Very good news!) He did, though, want a neuro radiologist to read the MRI. 

New MRI report from the neuro radiologist finds that there are some non-specific neuro abnormalities (not tumors or aneurisms) present in Grant's right and left occipital lobes, but he does not think it is related to the mild developmental delay or nystagmus. We will continue to watch him clinically (just observe how he continues to progress developmentally with the aid of physical therapy: aka- lots and lots of tummy time and play time with some sweet therapists). I have to admit that I was a little taken aback by this news. Everything had been so encouraging lately, I was sure to hear that there were no abnormalities at all. And then I remember...

When we were expecting Grant, we were in the midst of some hard times. In my heart, I knew that Grant was our promise...our rainbow...that those hard times would end. He is my promise fulfilled, my reminder that the hard times are nothing compared to God's goodness, and that we never really fall apart when we live in the hands of our good and gracious God.The scripture God gave us for Grant and that Jerod read over him when he was born is from 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

 "So we're not giving up, How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever." (The Message)

I dance with Grant and I feel righteous rebellion rise up in my heart. (We are not giving up!) I hear his laughter even as his head wobbles in our spinning dance, and I feel strength...Grant's strength...God's strength made perfect in weakness, a strength that looks at the fallen, broken world and says

 "Bring your worst. I will give my best." 

So I will continue to dance with my little bobble-headed boy and let that strength become a part of my very nature. We will spin circles around our home knowing that God is creating new life on the inside, giving us grace for each day, and we will celebrate because God is good, always, no matter the circumstances.

. There is certainly more here than meets the eye, and these gifts of strength, courage and endurance will last forever. 

Weight

I've become an incredibly light sleeper. I'm constantly listening for the slightest sounds that indicate my children are in need of me at night. I think it just comes with mommyhood., the awareness of your children and response to them whether it is to comfort or correct. I am constantly aware. With an infant, I have the joy of nighttime feedings.  My awareness not only wakes me up but has me out of bed with my feet on the floor and halfway across the house in the dark before I'm even fully conscious. I enter my little man's room and know exactly where he will have ooched himself in his crib without even turning on a light; he is always snuggled up next to the rails. I pick him up, and find my seat; he stops fussing, eats, and falls right back to sleep. I put him back in the same spot, middle of his crib more toward the top than the bottom and know that when I come back again, he will be nestled by his rails again. I cross the house, get back in bed, and fall asleep with mommy sense turned on. This is our routine, night after night.

One night I drowsily walked across the house to little man's room, moving in our usual routine. I find him in his usual spot, hush his cries by placing my hand on his belly, and reach my hands around him to pick him up like always. I know exactly how this goes and will always go. But this time as I pick him up, I feel his hand reach for my arm as I'm lifting him out of his crib, and in that instant as his hand reached for me, I truly felt his weight. Not the big baby boy weight of a fifteen pound four month old that makes my arms and back ache, but the weight of his existence in this world that bore down on my heart. I felt the weight of his significance, his purpose, his impact. I felt the strength of his heart and courage. I felt in that moment what God already knew about my sweet baby boy, that he would change lives with his quiet strength, be an anchor to those who know him, unwavering in his Kingdom purpose. In that moment, I was in awe, in awe of a baby that is still wholly dependent on me for his care although I felt the presence of him as if he were a fully grown man. I could sense what it would feel like for my little man to no longer look up to me but to look down on me, to kiss the top of my head, to wrap his arms fully around me in a hug. My little man was no longer a little man in my mind. The weight of his purpose overwhelmed me, and while he is still a little baby boy in my arms, his identity in my heart had changed forever.

In the dark of his room, I could sense what a great charge I have been given in my children. I still often get caught up in our daily routine. In some ways, mindless routine is necessary to make it through a day with two small children, but I try to remember, remember their weight in this world and weigh down my routine moments with them in prayer. Prayer for their purpose and their hearts.

I had a similar moment with our sweet girl, a time when I fully understood why God gave her such passion and strength of mind. And while they are physically children before my eyes, fussing while teething, needing help to even sit up, throwing tantrums, saying no more than yes and causing me frustration, in my heart I see her as a fierce warrior with passion to help the hurting and him as a quiet strength that will be known to the weak.

Over time I began to realize that this is just how God sees us. He does not identify us by or brokenness but by our wholeness in his Son. (Colossians 1:19-20) Through Christ we have not only been saved by his death but given a new life in His resurrection and a new identity in His grace. (Romans 4:6) Our names have been changed. He gave us beauty for ashes. (Isaiah 61:3) We do not have to change our own identities, strive to make ourselves enough, struggle to create our own weight in this world. What is left for us to do, is to see ourselves as God always has: whole, enough, pure, blameless, strong, enduring, talented, beautiful, wanted, useful, and then live as if we are just that- not of our own strength, but in constant dependence on our Father, knowing that he has given us an identity with a significant purpose that will greatly impact our world for His kingdom. (Ephesians 3:20-21)

For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
 - Colossians 1:19-20

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.- Romans 6:4

  And provide for those who grieve in Zion— 
to bestow on them a crown of beauty 
   instead of ashes, 
the oil of joy 
   instead of mourning, 
and a garment of praise 
   instead of a spirit of despair. 
They will be called oaks of righteousness, 
   a planting of the LORD 
   for the display of his splendor.- Isaiah 61:3

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. - Ephesians 3:20-21